What am I doing to sabotage myself?

Based on the advice from the book I am reading, which is a recovering overeaters biography and how the author was able to overcome her problem, I have been tracking my food.  I’m not being hardcore in my tracking because that triggers an OCD response in me where I start thinking about food constantly.  My goal for this last week was to be more aware of my eating habits and what I was doing around eating.

I thought that I did a good job of being concious of my eating – not the choices of foods, but how I was eating.  Each day, I would only eat when I was hungry.  My meals would be eating slowly and conciously, then stop when I felt satisfied.  I know that it wasn’t perfect, but one particular meal has stood out to me.

I just disconnected from myself and robotically stuffed food into my mouth.

On Saturday, my husband and I ordered a pizza for lunch.  I was hungry when we ordered it, but I was really hungry by the time it arrived.  The whole meal was just inhaled by me.  I even felt very uncomfortable  while I was eating that way – you know, the beyond full feeling.  But I just kept eating.  What a big mistake.  There was no reason for me to have done that.  I didn’t feel sad, or depressed, or even anxious about anything.

I just disconnected from myself and robotically stuffed food into my mouth.

Fortunately, it only happened that one time and while I was unable to stop myself – or refused to stop myself? – at least I was concious of what I was doing.  So now I can start combating it.  Perhaps pizza is a trigger food.  One of those comfort things that I use to disconnect from myself and just be a robot. 

Sweet things, colas and other Sugars

Another issue with my eating habits are sugars.  I drink coffee with sugar, sodas, and juices.  Desserts are the highlight of my day and I constantly crave (or think about): yogurt, ice cream, chocolate, breads, cookies, etc. 

This craving is particularly difficult for me to overcome.  I can been successful at removing most simple sugars from my diet, but I have a fear of being denied these sweets so I usually overdo it when I let sugars in. 

From another approach, if I allow myself to have sugars, then I usually can’t stop at just one.  The best thing I can tell is that  if I have some kind of sugar food, I need to eat it in the evening with water.  Or have water after.  That usually helps curb any additional craving.

Also, drinking sodas in the evening is a bad idea for me.  I notice that I don’t sleep as well at night and I usually wake up with a very dry throat and dry eyes.  I can tell I am dehydrated.

It’s embarrassing to be writing this…

This Memorial Day Weekend, my husband and I went to San Fransisco to see a friend.  We had a great time – good sights, good food, good company.  I think I had a little “too much” fun, because my scale told me I was 270 lbs on Tuesday.  So with my weight, my journey keeps spinning in circles.  It is so painful to know that I have allowed myself to get back to this weight, especially after the 6 months I spent in a medical fast.

Many times, when I eat I feel almost out of control – like I can’t help myself.  Sometimes I eat and I am not even hungry.  The food is just there and I don’t want to…lose out?…I’m not even sure how to describe it.  There is a test on OA.com that I took; based on some readings (and the quiz), I believe that I am an addict.

If I am not an addict, then there is truly no hope for me to win this battle of my weight.  But I exhibit all the signs of an addict at one time or another:

• I eat as a “comfort” – to escape from my problems, even for a little while, and feel the “comfort” and “safety” of eating.  I put comfort and safety in quotations because  too often the reason I am seeking comfort and safety is because of my weight, which is where it is because of my eating patterns!
• If I am not eating, I am thinking about food.  If there is food present, then that is the forefront of my mind – as opposed to just enjoying the company of my friends.
• I eat in secret, binge-eat, or deprive myself of food.  I eat when I am not hungry, hide the evidence of eating, and find that when I start eating I feel like I just can’t stop.
• I eat moderately in front of others – often making healthy choices, then make up for it later with sugars and starches (cookies, ice cream, chocolate, sodas).
• Eating is tied to my mood.  I eat to comfort myself, to pacify, deal with stress, as a reward, to numb my sadness or unhappiness.  Later, I usually feel extreme guilt, disgust, and remorse for what I have done.

There are many more symptoms, but these are the ones I most relate to.  I have a book that I am reading to help me work through some of this, but to be honest I’m just not sure how well it will work out.  Overeating, and Compulsive Overeating, is not something that is talked about openly in my country.  But based on some of the readings I have done, I imagine that many more of us suffer from this than we realize.

I can’t rewrite my past, and I’m really not sure why I’m participating in all of the destructive activities that I am, but I do want to change and I have some tools available to me to begin this change.  If anyone else wants to join me, or needs support, I hope that this blog can be a tool for both of us to heal from the past and enter into a healthy relationship with food.